I had the last four days off and really other than hang out with a few friends and see a concert I haven't done anything but reading and thinking which is where this blog entry comes from. I think going to Europe changed me, well maybe not changed me but it has definitely caused a shift in where my brain is at. The reason I think is because it was a major trip that was completely outside of my safe little bubble that I live in at home. It proved to myself that I can survive on my own, without all my friends and without all the drama that I seem to be surrounded with when I’m at home. The three weeks that I was away helped me to realize that I wanted to simplify my life and make it my own.
In general this I think has been a good change for me. I’m happier than I have been in awhile and I have a forward momentum in my life. I know what I want and am finally trying to take the steps forward that I need to get there. Of course that is not to say I haven’t struggled. My growing self confidence, a willingness to say what is on my brain, and standing up for myself and my beliefs have meant that I have had to deal with more friction in my friendships and in the workplace than I would normally like. But even that has helped me to realize that even if it sucks sometimes saying what is on your brain is really the best way to go. Most of you who really know me know that I have always had a hard time saying what I think or especially what I’m feeling, which is why I write because that makes it easier. The people pleasing part of myself has long won out but now finally I’m realizing that I can be happier if I speak up. I don’t need to be shy and meek. I have a brain and opinions and feelings and although not everyone wants to deal with them, the people that really matter to me are supporting me.

I will say I am sorry at some of the friendships that have been fractured or even lost. I have never liked to lose friends and probably never will, but I have also come to know that I can’t change how people are going to react. The only thing I can do is do what is best for me and hope like hell it works out in the long run. I’m trying to have a little faith in myself and what my brain and heart tell me and just hope that when all the chips fall and all is said and done that my world will be more peaceful. As fun as drama is for giving you something to talk about, it is sure taxing on your emotions.

I think the other thing that my trip did for me and all the reading I have been doing lately has done for me is to remind me that life is important. We only have one shot at the life we currently are living so why live it in drama and stress. It is time for me to have fun, move forward and be comfortable in my own skin because for all my flaws I am a pretty good person even if I’m the only one that ever knows it ;-)

Anyway enough of my random babbling for one night. This is apparently what happens when you give me to many days off...LOL